My Adventures in Carrot Caking, or, Mr Wiggles Gives It Two Paws Up

Recently I decided to clean out the fridge and freezer.  This decision was mostly motivated by the need to stow four loaves of zucchini bread, but also because both my original roommates moved out and I thought it might be nice for new roommate to have some room for her groceries (I'm generous like that).  After tossing a styrofoam tray of burger patties from last year's Labour Day soiree, several bags of Frankenproduce, and much moldy god-only-knows-what in Tupperware and scrubbing mysterious sticky substances from shelves and drawers, things were looking much better.  And I realised that boy roommate had left behind four bags of baby carrots.  Four.  Bags.  Of baby carrots.  Granted, two of the bags were only about half full, but still.  Four bags of baby carrots.

See?  Four bags of baby carrots.


The funniest thing is that I don't ever remember this kid eating a single carrot in the 13 months that he lived in my house.  And yet there were four bags of them in my fridge.  Oh, and if you're wondering about the dark, skunky looking things in the bag on the bottom left, those aren't some swanky special heirloom coloured carrots (carrots do in fact come in purple, yellow and white, but because someone decided carrots looked better in orange, selective breeding makes those pretty rare).

Those would be the fully rotten carrots that made most of the bag slimy and gross.  So not only were there four bags of baby carrots in my fridge, one of them was disgusting and ROTTEN.

So what does one do when left with four bags of baby carrots, one of which contains gross rotten carrots?  Well, first, one disposes of the bag with the offending veg.  Then one makes carrot cake, following these simple instructions:

1. Let 4 eggs sit at room temperature for 30 minutes, then beat them.
2. Grease two 9" round cake pans, line the bottoms with wax paper, then grease the wax paper.  Unless you are like me and do not own round cake pans.  Or wax paper.  In which case, just Pam the hell out of square cake pans and have a spatula handy.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
4. Mix together 2 cups flour, 2 cups sugar, 2 teaspoons baking powder, 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/2 teaspoon baking soda.
5. In a separate bowl, mix your room temperature beaten eggs, 3 cups finely shredded carrots and 3/4 cup canola oil.  Side note: I highly recommend using big carrots, because shredding three cups worth of baby carrots sucks.  Just ask my fingernails.  You know who appreciated me using baby carrots?  My pets.  The dog got to chase down carrots that jumped out of my hands as they bounced around the kitchen floor and the rabbit got all the nubs.  I'm glad my grated thumbnails were worth their snacky happiness.
6. Add egg mixture to the flour mixture and combine well.  Pour into pans.
7. Bake 30-35 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.  Cool ten minutes in pans, then remove from pans and allow to cool completely before icing.  This is supposed to be done on wire racks.  Again, something I'm missing.  This is where the toaster oven rack and a stove burner came in handy.

Now the icing.  Here's my secret to making this icing, and a number of other things when the directions say to use an electric mixer: I DON'T!  Mwuahahaha TAKE THAT BETTY CROCKER!  I do everything by hand because I care and it tastes better with love.  Mostly it's because I don't own a mixer, nor do I want to spend the money on one (and no, Mother, this is not a hint to get me one for Christmas.  I'm legitimately happy to do it all by hand.  And check out these guns I get from stirring the bejesus out of icing!  LOOK AT THEM!).  But also because I'm secretly an 18th century housewife and they didn't have electric mixers back then.  So there.

1. Let an 8 ounce package of cream cheese and 1/2 cup (one stick) butter soften.  Throw these in a bowl with 2 teaspoons vanilla and mix until smooth and creamy.
2. Add 5 1/2-6 cups powdered sugar a little at a time, mixing well until the icing reaches spreadable consistency.  Make sure to use it at room temperature, because then it's easy enough to spread with a butter knife.  Which you have to do when you don't have an icing spatula.  Let's just say that without an icing spatula and with square cakes, icing is a creative adventure.

When icing a carrot cake, you need to include walnuts.  I like to do a thin layer of icing on the bottom cake, throw in a few handfuls of coarsely chopped walnuts, then ice the bottom of the top cake and sandwich it together.  Then ice the whole outside and top with more chopped nuts.  Et voila!  It may not look delicious but it tastes DAMN good.

Oh, also, I'm just gonna go ahead and close this post by telling y'all that I have made my own powdered sugar.  I'm that much of a badass.  Now I'm gonna go shopping for all the things I don't have in my kitchen--except an electric mixer.